The Malt-Liquor –Butt- Naked- Booty- Bash

In the spring of 1999, I met a character, that I would push every limit imaginable with over the years. There are types of personalities that just click, souls that have been together for a hundred life times, repeating the process of life and death over and over together throughout time.  Verbs and I share this sort of connection. I cannot even remember who actually introduced me to this lunatic, but I remember the first adventure we ever partook in together like it was yesterday.

The 90’s were a time when I thought LSD might as well have been a miracle health elixir. I really don’t remember a day; I wasn’t ingesting it by the handful. I’d wake up and eat quarter sheets for shits and giggles, then take off on my bicycle down High street to get into whatever adventure I could. Along the way I’d spin out every person I knew on LSD, sometimes people I just met as well. There was a time when people would be just walking down the street and run into each other completely out of their heads, and be like, Oh, I see you ran into Eddie today too, huh?

On one of these adventures I ran into Verbs, there was a sort of instant connection, it was as if we knew each other forever and had just been reunited. It turned out Verbs loved acid too. So we quickly gobbled down a few dozen hits, between me, him, and this kid he had with named Lost.

Somewhere along the line, right around the time the acid was just kicking into high gear, during that beautiful crest you hit as you’re beginning to peak, Verbs and I decided we needed to get rid of Lost. So how did we go about this? We put him on a Greyhound bound for Cleveland.  Probably not the nicest thing in the world, just tossing him on bus with a head full of acid, but hey, we wanted to get rid of him, so why not ship him far away from us as possible. Lost was actually from Cleveland, so it’s not as cruel of an act as you think. We just cut his trip to Columbus short.

Spring time in Columbus is mating season. It’s honestly my favorite time of the year to be in Columbus, thousands of girls exploring their sexuality, unhindered by parental control, for the first time in their lives. The minute that first week in the spring hits, they can break out that little sundress, and when that first gust of warm spring air hits their box, they go into heat. Its true of all animals, spring time equals mating season.

I needed a way to capitalize off of this gift from Mother Nature. A house party would be an excellent way of doing so; unfortunately I was living in a tiny studio apartment. I was discussing this plan with Verbs, when he told me his girlfriend was going out of town for the weekend that Friday. We could have the party there, provided we cleaned up the mess, and hid any traces it ever occurred.

Now every good party needs a theme, one that will give the party the proper vibe. The whole purpose of this party was to get drunk and laid. So I had the perfect name in mind. I’d run into Nasty and Broken-back earlier in the week.  Broken-back had got his name by passing out on his roof drunk, and rolling off of it, onto a BBQ grill that lay below, breaking his back in the process, hence the name.

Anyways, I’d inquired into, what they’d been up to, since I’d last talked to them?  Their response was “Shit, homie. It’s been nothing but malt-liquor-butt-naked-booty-bashes all week.  This would be the perfect name for our party.

Every party needs a flier, a good one, one that draws attention. Now here is a small problem, this is going to take away from the progression of this tale, but it’s very important to clear this up, as it is very relevant to the story. There have always been arguments over who actually came up with the idea for this flier. Mostly because we threw a follow up party to this one, and the fliers were along the same line. So Steve and Rita always try and say the fliers were their idea and we made them at Rita’s house. Well that is true, but only for the second party. The first party I have to give credit to Mabel for the fliers.

Mabel was this mountain of a man; he weighed in at around 400lbs, and had a pension for extreme perversity. The kid was a porn junky, you’d go in his house and he’d always have porn scattered everywhere, as well as a group of rather unusual sluts, he’d have performing all kinds of depraved sexual acts, in exchange for drugs.

We were all brainstorming up ideas for the flier, when Mabel says.

“Why don’t we just take a black marker and write over the page of one of these magazines?”

It’s a brilliant idea; I mean sex sells, so if we’re trying to get people to come to our sex party, we might as well have people having sex on the flier, right?

Every great party or event is sponsored by something; so I decided we needed a sponsor. Not that the sponsor was even legitimate or anything it just sounded professional. So we decide who better to Sponsor a malt-liquor-butt-naked-booty-bash, than Olde English? So of course, that goes on the flier, along with security provided by Nasty Nate. This was my way of avoiding any waves with Nate over stealing the name.

We ended up printing off close to a 1,000 of these fliers, wall papering the entire campus in smut. We’d spell out crude phrases like “Get Laid” “Ass” “Pussy” and all other kinds of vulgarities. Over the course of the next week this campaign caused more than a few accidents on campus, from drivers being distracted by looking at our porn campaign. I’d also be assaulted by a group of bar burning feminist for degrading women. I had handed them a flier unaware of their political views, and they chased me for three blocks kicking, punching, scratching, and hurling bottles at me, for being a pig. They obviously could not appreciate the creative genius behind this party.

Now every good party needs music; so I’d handle this by getting DJ PRZM to spin the dirtiest booty house on wax, in a tag team set with DJ Self. This would make the message crystal clear, “Do you want to fuck?” Because, we certainly did.

I’d spend the day of the party buying every liquor store on campus out of 40oz. bottles of Olde English.  After all I claimed the party was sponsored by them. By the time I was done we had four 50 gallon barrels full of 40’s.

Verbs decided that there was no way we could let anybody in the house. If something got broke or stolen he’d have to explain to his girlfriend why. So we took her dressers out on the porch to set the turntables up on. This would work as a makeshift stage. We locked all the doors, and the restroom policy was one at a time for the girls, with Verbs supervising their movements, the guys could use the bushes, problem solved.

PRZM and Self arrived around 9:30 and began setting up, by 10 the first 12 inch hit the platter. Before long the music was drawing in freaks by the drove.  The message was clear, the party was here. Within an hour the entire yard was filled up with people. Music is a powerful thing; it can make you feel any emotion when properly delivered. It didn’t take long for the people to get into the groove.

The entire yard was overflowing with people virtually fucking the speakers to the 4 count, girls were getting topless and pussy popping everywhere you looked. The vibe was a simple one SEX. I don’t know if it had to do with the vibe, or maybe it was the fact I probably ate a half a sheet of acid during the course of the day, and popped handful of rolls, but at one point I was butt naked swinging my cock across the porch to the music. I was a man possessed.  Possessed by sex!

Once I was back in my clothes; a big booty freak who appreciated my performance pulled me aside, and feverishly began sticking her tongue down my throat and grabbing my cock. I wasn’t alone, it seemed like everywhere you looked couples were disappearing into the shadows, fucking behind dumpsters in the alley, or making out in the bushes. I’d definitely achieved the vibe I was going for, as the hours went on it just kept getting crazier. Mind you we’re right there on campus, this party isn’t taking place out in the woods, or on a farm. This hedonistic orgy was happening on the front lawn of a highly populated area! It was turning into a smashing success.

I have no clue when or how it ended, because I left with the big booty freak I’d met, in order to go back to her house and really get loose. I’d awaken the next the day tangled up in the sheets, and slip out unnoticed. I spent the rest of the day helping Verbs clean up the mess. Unfortunately we forgot to clean up one key piece of evidence. We’d gotten distracted and decided to go get a drink at a bar, and well, we ended up leaving Verbs girlfriend’s dresser out on the porch with the flier for the party taped to it. She’d arrive at the house before we returned, and found it there. Once Verbs and I got back it was far too late. We found everything he owned on the porch. Life is all about beginnings and endings. This would be the end of him living with his girlfriend, and the beginning of his adventure living with Mabel…….

  1. awesome. I like this one.

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