A letter to Michael Bloomberg regarding my services to curb NYC’s rat infestation.

Posted: September 10, 2010 in letters
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Mayor Bloomberg, I am writing this letter in concern to the fine city of New York’s rat problem. It seems you’re being overrun with a plague of infestation. I would like to offer up my services to rid you of these foul vermin once and for all. I can guarantee to you rid you of all these foul beasts from the bowels of hell. You see I served in this mighty nation’s armed service during the Vietnam War as a tunnel rat. I battled these beady eyed bastards for three consecutive tours of duty, and it would have been four had I not been hit by that low flying scud missile just outside of Saigon in 69.

I will need the following supplies.

  1. The supplies to make 50,000 gallons of jellied gasoline
  2. A 2010 military issue Humvee, with a giant dead rat mounted on the roof.
  3. $123,000 in two dollar bills- denomination is not negotiable.
  4. 4 first class tickets for my most esteemed colleagues who will form the members of Team Verminator.
  5. Lifetime subscriptions to the following publication’s; Soldier of fortune, Hustler, Guns & Ammo, Live stock Monthly, and Better Homes and Gardens.
  1. 3 tickets a year to the Broadway musical of my choice
  2. 5 flamethrowers
  3. A bronze statue of me dressed in full Roman legionnaire attire wrestling a giant rat, to be erected at Grand Central Station upon completion of said task.
  4. 1,ooo,ooo,ooo Coney Island ski ball tickets and a lifetime pass to ride the go-carts

The terms and conditions listed above are not negotiable. I look forward to working alongside you to free your fine Metropolis of these hairless tailed demons from Hades. Sincerely Col. Edaurdo Jones of the flying Prairie dog Tunnel rats.

  1. Marie akaDrHunter Linke says:

    Dear Colonel,
    Once you’ve rectified the rat situation in NYC, can you fly with haste across the Pacific and lob on the shores of South Australia to rid this fine land of the rodents chewing on the hearts and souls of all my statesmen.
    I can muster up a flamethrower and at least 1000 bottles of good Aussie wine.
    Please respond as soon as you are able. The bastards are taking over! There are going to be flames rising high in the streets! We need your expertise, post-haste.
    Lt. Linke

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