Archive for the ‘letters’ Category

MANTRA MUNCHER

Posted: December 27, 2010 in letters

Help wanted- “Personal ASSistant”

I’m in need of personal ASSistant, the young lady who previously held this position unfortunately can no longer work as my personal ASSistant, due to certain medical conditions. You must meet the following requirements. (more…)

To Whom It May Concern; I’m writing this letter in regards to some ideas I have for new programming. Since no one could possibly want to watch  Music Television for Music Videos. I think anyone of  these shows will be giant successes.

  1. Jersey Clinic- This could be an excellent spinoff for your Jersey shore program, and you could basically use the same cast. After a hard night of fist pumping and ugly bumping I’m sure more than a few of these Guido’s have caught a case of the clap. Think of the ratings you’ll get from close up shots of Snookie getting vaginal warts frozen off, or Paulie D’s facial expression after he gets his cock flossed with a q-tip during a gonorrhea culture. It would bring a whole new meaning to “The Situation”
  2. The real “real” world- A show completely dedicated to following around a group of recent college graduates while they hunt for jobs. It’ll make for great Television when these kids realize thanks to 8 years of the Bush administration. That degree only qualifies them to work at Starbucks or the local Piggly Wiggly.
  3. Guess that celebrity dookie- In a society so celebrity obsessed I say it’s time we had a game show that allows contestants to show how well they really know a celebrity. Thanks to twitter and other social networking sites. We know just about everything about celebrities including thanks to the likes of porn star Bella Donna what they eat every day. So the premise of this show would be to get a bunch of celebrities to drop a fresh Steamer.  The contestants would guess which dookie belonged to which celeb, according to color, consistency, size, and diet. After following said celebs for a week on twitter, To see who reigns supreme as the ultimate celeb follower
  4. I’ll suck a hobo’s dick to be on a reality show- self explanatory.
  5. Actual Music Videos- I know this sounds crazy and unheard of but I think if MTV played actual music videos it would be ground breaking and pioneering.. I mean imagine a station that played nothing but Music videos 24/7 wouldn’t that be awesome?

I know #5 is a little crazy but I think  it could work. Sincerely, Edaurdo Jones

To Whom It May Concern: I have visited your Andover, Massachusetts restaurant twice a week for the past year, and not one single time have I received French fries that are fresh. Is this company standard or perhaps your Mac-crap recipe? Are these fries specially designed to instantly cool into rock hard shreds of potato shrapnel? Not one single time in the past year have I arrived home, and enjoyed a hot fresh French fry in a year!  I live less than a half mile from said restaurant; I use the term restaurant loosely. I’ve seen better quality food at skid row soup kitchens!  While I haven’t had problems with the sandwiches at this restaurant, the fries are totally inedible.  I’ve put them to use though, I use them to nail down loose floorboards in my house. They are so hard they work better than your typical flooring spikes. The way I look at it I don’t like throwing money away so I might as well put them to good use. I don’t recall ever having this problem when Mayor McCheese was running the show.  Sincerely, E. Jones

********************************************************** And here’s the response………………………………………………

Hello Edaurdo:


I want to thank you for taking the time to share your recent experience at the McDonald’s in Andover, MA with me. Your feedback is very important to us as it allows us to better understand how we can improve our service to you.

I am sorry the french fries did not live up to our high quality standards. Please be assured that we want to provide you with an exceptional experience every time you visit us. From your email, it is clear we did not meet your expectations. Again, I am truly sorry we disappointed you.

I want you to know that I have already taken action on your feedback. After reading your email, I immediately shared the information you brought to our attention with the local franchise owner of the restaurant you visited. Additionally, I notified our regional McDonald’s consultant who works with this owner for follow-up in the restaurant and appropriate corrective action.

Again, Edaurdo, thank you for sharing your feedback. We appreciate your business and we hope to have the pleasure of serving you soon.

Jessica
McDonald’s Customer Response Center

ref#:7193259    BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PEOPLE OVER AT CUSTOMER SERVICE WEREN’T LYING!!!!!!!!!! THEY REAMED THIS GUY’S  ASS SO BAD. HE SENT THIS TO ME VIA THE POST OFFICE……………….

It reads as follows….

Dear Dr. Edaurdo Jones, Thank you for taking the time to share your recent expierence at the Mac Donald’s in Andover, Ma. As the owner of this restaurant, I hope you will accept my apology for your un satisfactory visit.

Our goal is 100-percent customer satisfaction and my team works hard to deliver fast, friendly, and accurate service to guarantee that each visit you make is a pleasant one. I’m sorry you feel we have let you down. I am following up at my restaurant to address this issue.

Your e-mail serves as a valuable reminder that our customers are our number one priority. We truly appreciate your feedback and again thank you for taking the time to share your experience with us. We hope to have the opportunity to serve you in the future. Charles Lietz Owner/ Operator

THIS MAY HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT TOO.    

Mayor Bloomberg, I am writing this letter in concern to the fine city of New York’s rat problem. It seems you’re being overrun with a plague of infestation. I would like to offer up my services to rid you of these foul vermin once and for all. I can guarantee to you rid you of all these foul beasts from the bowels of hell. You see I served in this mighty nation’s armed service during the Vietnam War as a tunnel rat. I battled these beady eyed bastards for three consecutive tours of duty, and it would have been four had I not been hit by that low flying scud missile just outside of Saigon in 69.

I will need the following supplies.

  1. The supplies to make 50,000 gallons of jellied gasoline
  2. A 2010 military issue Humvee, with a giant dead rat mounted on the roof.
  3. $123,000 in two dollar bills- denomination is not negotiable.
  4. 4 first class tickets for my most esteemed colleagues who will form the members of Team Verminator.
  5. Lifetime subscriptions to the following publication’s; Soldier of fortune, Hustler, Guns & Ammo, Live stock Monthly, and Better Homes and Gardens.
  1. 3 tickets a year to the Broadway musical of my choice
  2. 5 flamethrowers
  3. A bronze statue of me dressed in full Roman legionnaire attire wrestling a giant rat, to be erected at Grand Central Station upon completion of said task.
  4. 1,ooo,ooo,ooo Coney Island ski ball tickets and a lifetime pass to ride the go-carts

The terms and conditions listed above are not negotiable. I look forward to working alongside you to free your fine Metropolis of these hairless tailed demons from Hades. Sincerely Col. Edaurdo Jones of the flying Prairie dog Tunnel rats.

Dear Pastor Jones, Greetings, my name is the Rev. Edaurdo Jones of the First Universal Christian Knowledge Union. I’m a good old boy such as yourself whose only crime is loving Jesus, and my sisters a little too much, if you know what I mean. I heard about your Quran burning party, and let me tell you something Brother Jones, you may be on to something there. But I have a better idea.  Why don’t we just snuff this evil out at its source? We shouldn’t be burning Quran’s, we should be dousing little Muslim Babies in jellied gasoline and setting them ablaze. I mean if there’s no little baby Muslim’s how can Islam carry on?  I mean for Christ’s sake these people are evil, can you believe they actually think Jesus was an Arab. Come on now, you seen the pictures of Jesus. He was a blue eyed white man of Northern European descent just like you and I, right? What kind of stupid son of a bitch would think Jesus wasn’t white? Just because his parents were both from Nazareth don’t mean they’d give birth to a brown Jesus does it? Everybody knows Jesus hates anybody who aint white. It says so in the bible.   Only a fool would think Jesus wasn’t white! Right Brother Jones?

I say we take this plan to the next level Brother Jones. Why burn Qurans’ here on American soil? We can charter a cargo jet and airdrop right into downtown Baghdad blaring Billy Graham sermons over a 50,000 watt stereo system like in Apocalypse now, Dropping King James Bibles down from the heavens on these heathens! GOD, I love the smell of Christianity in the morning!  Shit, Brother Jones we could be real hero’s of the Christian right and shove sticks of TNT up our assholes and suicide bomb a Hummus factory! That’s what Jesus really wants! I got a tube of Astro glide with your name on it, and I would consider it an honor to personally pack your ass full of dynamite in the name of Jesus!  Sincerely, Rev. Edaurdo Jones of the F.U.C.K.U

To Whom It May Concern; hello, my name is Rev. Edaurdo Jones of The  First United Christian Knowledge Union, I’m writing this letter in regard to your “Devil” dog snack cakes. How dare you push your satanic snacks on the good people of this country? I see what you’re doing, trying to draw children into the fiery pits of hell with satanic influences hiding behind the sugary goodness of delicious snacks, drawing the youth of this fine nation into the first of 7 deadly sins–Gluttony, and paving the road to hell for them with cream filled bricks of evil. I for one will not stand for this atrocity! I plan on making it my mission to uncover your pact with the devil!  I have already made arrangements with my brother the Pastor Terry Jones of Dove World Out Reach Ministry  in Florida to also burn your Devil dog snack cakes at his upcoming Quran burning ceremony this weekend of 9/11, as a united front against all those who oppose the decent Christian American way.  I am writing this letter to give you the opportunity to cease and desist manufacturing your satanic snacks and save your souls from an eternity in the fiery pits of hell. I have already contacted the Christian media, and Glen Beck himself will be tossing the first box of your Satan dogs onto the fire! We will fight Satan and his minions on every front, including the snack food industry. God will not have mercy on your souls! I bid you farewell in the name of Christ, The Rev. Edaurdo Jones of the F.U.C.K. U