A letter to Pastor Terry Jones of Dove world Out reach

Dear Pastor Jones, Greetings, my name is the Rev. Edaurdo Jones of the First Universal Christian Knowledge Union. I’m a good old boy such as yourself whose only crime is loving Jesus, and my sisters a little too much, if you know what I mean. I heard about your Quran burning party, and let me tell you something Brother Jones, you may be on to something there. But I have a better idea.  Why don’t we just snuff this evil out at its source? We shouldn’t be burning Quran’s, we should be dousing little Muslim Babies in jellied gasoline and setting them ablaze. I mean if there’s no little baby Muslim’s how can Islam carry on?  I mean for Christ’s sake these people are evil, can you believe they actually think Jesus was an Arab. Come on now, you seen the pictures of Jesus. He was a blue eyed white man of Northern European descent just like you and I, right? What kind of stupid son of a bitch would think Jesus wasn’t white? Just because his parents were both from Nazareth don’t mean they’d give birth to a brown Jesus does it? Everybody knows Jesus hates anybody who aint white. It says so in the bible.   Only a fool would think Jesus wasn’t white! Right Brother Jones?

I say we take this plan to the next level Brother Jones. Why burn Qurans’ here on American soil? We can charter a cargo jet and airdrop right into downtown Baghdad blaring Billy Graham sermons over a 50,000 watt stereo system like in Apocalypse now, Dropping King James Bibles down from the heavens on these heathens! GOD, I love the smell of Christianity in the morning!  Shit, Brother Jones we could be real hero’s of the Christian right and shove sticks of TNT up our assholes and suicide bomb a Hummus factory! That’s what Jesus really wants! I got a tube of Astro glide with your name on it, and I would consider it an honor to personally pack your ass full of dynamite in the name of Jesus!  Sincerely, Rev. Edaurdo Jones of the F.U.C.K.U

A letter to Hostess

To Whom It May Concern; hello, my name is Rev. Edaurdo Jones of The  First United Christian Knowledge Union, I’m writing this letter in regard to your “Devil” dog snack cakes. How dare you push your satanic snacks on the good people of this country? I see what you’re doing, trying to draw children into the fiery pits of hell with satanic influences hiding behind the sugary goodness of delicious snacks, drawing the youth of this fine nation into the first of 7 deadly sins–Gluttony, and paving the road to hell for them with cream filled bricks of evil. I for one will not stand for this atrocity! I plan on making it my mission to uncover your pact with the devil!  I have already made arrangements with my brother the Pastor Terry Jones of Dove World Out Reach Ministry  in Florida to also burn your Devil dog snack cakes at his upcoming Quran burning ceremony this weekend of 9/11, as a united front against all those who oppose the decent Christian American way.  I am writing this letter to give you the opportunity to cease and desist manufacturing your satanic snacks and save your souls from an eternity in the fiery pits of hell. I have already contacted the Christian media, and Glen Beck himself will be tossing the first box of your Satan dogs onto the fire! We will fight Satan and his minions on every front, including the snack food industry. God will not have mercy on your souls! I bid you farewell in the name of Christ, The Rev. Edaurdo Jones of the F.U.C.K. U