A letter to Quaker Oats demanding Cap’n Crunch’s Naval records and their response

To Whom it may concern; I am writing this letter to demand Captain Crunch’s Naval record. I think you’re trying to pull a horrible sham on the citizens of The United States of America. You think people don’t know what your up to, trying to play off the citizens of this great countrys patriotism and support of it’s troops to sell cereal! How dare you! There are brave men and women who fought for this country and earned the right to be called Captain. You are making a mockery of all these people with your so called Captain. I am demanding that with in no less than 30 days you either produce said documents or remove the title of Captain from your boxes. Perhaps you could call  it Jihad Crunch or something because you are obviously some sort of terrorist sleeper cell funneling money from your psuedo Patriot puffs into Bin Ladins hands. In fact I believe this could already be some sort of weapon, who the hell would make cereal so crunchy it tears the roof of your mouth to shreds if you eat it too fast? A bunch of c4 wearing Jihadists thats who! It sickens me to see such deceptions. Sincerely, Edaurdo JonesEdaurdo:

The history and heroics of Cap’n Crunch are well known, and live large, in cereal lore. You, sir, shall not impugn his character. That is not only an affront to the Cap’n, but to all American cereal lovers.

Please learn to enjoy eating Cap’n Crunch at a civilized pace. If you ever have a box that’s too hard and crunchy, please send us the UPC, Best if Used By Date and the manufacture code that follows, and we will inform the crew.

In spite of my better judgment, Eduardo, I have informed the Cap’n and the crew of your slanderous charges. As a testament to their patriotic character, they are only amused.

Jeff
Signalman First Class

Quaker Consumer Relations
Ref# 027098376A